How was your day?

Toby just left for two fabulous days at Chez Grandparents. I will miss him, though I have to admit I had his toys and clothes packed up and waiting to go- most of them stacked on our front walk while we waited for his favorite people to arrive.

When he was all ready and strapped in, I asked for and recieved a kiss. This new skill of his is the most excellent so far. He's not a sloppy toddler kisser, and keeps his lips closed because he prefers when it makes that little pop. He's working on achieving actual contact with the kissee- his timing tends to run a bit early so he does one of those European air kisses. Could be he's just becoming extremely sophisticated.

This morning, though, he got it perfect right on the smacker. He left ten minutes ago, and already I'm getting all sentimental.

It's hard to describe where all my time goes every day. Most of it involves catering to and playing with Toby, but to be honest he's becoming more self-sufficient by the day and I can no longer blame the disappearance of my time on him.

I have always been a list person, but since getting pregnant I don't even start one because it always ends badly. It starts with making & feeding & cleaning up from breakfast which isn't even on the list, but it tires me out and I lay on the couch for a few minutes, tickling and singing to the kiddo to mediate my guilt. Then it's time for Toby's nap and I nap with him. I call a few people or empty the dishwasher and Wham it's 4:30pm. By then, I'm thinking I should come up with something for dinner. After pondering this and getting ice for Toby (he's a little obsessed with ice and grapes) it's suddenly 6:30pm. I call J to see if he'll ever be able to come home from work or if I should just plan to start sending him care packages by courier, maybe tie a yellow ribbon to our tree.

At 7:45pm we leave to pick up Daddy and I still haven't made anything for dinner. And I'm feeling gross, so the idea of touching food or even opening the refrigerator because it might smell like food is depressing. I haven't practiced or cleaned or gone for a walk. Between 8 and 9pm I feel crummy and lazy but Toby's in his hyper pre-bed giggle phase so that's nicely distracting. We eat something I half-heartedly make or we pick up something not too greasy or expensive.

Once Toby's in bed, I sit with J while he does more work and watch tv because that's his version of a bubble bath and candles. I don't begrudge him some tiny amount of time to relax, and this way at least we're in the same room. (Pray for a new job, 'kay?) Sometimes I surf adoption websites on the laptop for a while before I can't stand feeling so crummy and might as well go to sleep. I make all sorts of plans for tomorrow, including practice and getting Toby to the park. When I wake up I'm already tired and can't decide if food sounds nasty or if I'm starving.

It's getting better, but I really hope having a few days to myself to clean out the house will help me hit some kind of reset button on this pattern. Especially the self-pity part. I am starting to feel more like myself and I love Toby's personality right now so it's not like it's all drudgery. J's interviewed with some places and lots of things in our lives are very good. I just feel half-asleep, mentally. Groggy. Hopefully when I reach the magical done-being-gross week of pregnancy things will brighten a bit.

I think I'll go take a nap...