Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Can I fit you in between 12 and 2?

Ooooh, I'm sleepy. I take back all that reaching new maturity level stuff- I feel like a little kid. Eat a big meal, need a big nap.

I wonder how I'll meet people like Betsy and Tiffany in Portland. I won't be in school, I don't know if we'll find a church with a group like blackhawk's worship teams, I'll be tired and cranky and obsessed with a baby. (Unlike the radiant, relaxed and role-model rocker, Betsy.) We talked a bit today about friends and how to maintain them, about those types of friends who don't seem to have much to give and how you choose which ones you will give more.

Sometimes I feel so stingy. I want friends because I'll get something from them, and not because I'll be giving to them. If they knew how self-centered and protective I am of my energy, I think they might not bother in the first place. How and when I add people to my days is determined by a sad little calculation of just how forgiving they might be if I get busy for a couple months and then need them to hang out a lot all of the sudden because I'm starved for attention.

People who I am sure are on my side already I love. I'm not an ogre (except occasionally now at night), but still... I don't think I'm an inherently generous person either.

This isn't a cry of self-deprecation; I've just noticed this stuff while chatting. Actually, I think a lot of people might live this way and maybe need to work on it especially in light of grace and all that.

My marriage is better and less put-upon when i've made time for those connections outside of it- when i don't require J to be all of the people I need at once. Yeah, I know- this stuff is in all those Getting Ready for Marriage books, but hey, better to get it late than never.

Remind me not to do that to him when we first move out there. I'll do my best not to be needy and big and entitled. Well, the "big" part will be partly out of my hands at 7 months, but you know what I mean.

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