Grace

We have been talking, thinking, praying and reading alot in the last week.

We're no longer sure we should continue to pursue X's adoption. She is a toddler now, and as such will need some careful parenting in the first few years to ensure she is able to attach well to our family. She's also a pretty high-maintenance kid, most likely a healthy aspect of her normal personality.

If she had been available eight months ago, I believe we would already have her in our family and we would have that time under our belts. Our own two-year-old would have had some time to adjust to her and vice versa. We'd have all the logistics and carseats and rooms figured out.

Instead I am due in 9 weeks, which sounds like right about the time X's state would have liked to send her our way. We are probably moving, and this year is going to be full of some serious transitions for us and for our kids already. Over the past week (has it really only been a week?!), I have felt no sense of excitement. Some nervousness I would expect, but this blank dread? I could not have anticipated the gray weight of this decision or the lack of joyful anticipation. I am not one to be led around by my emotions, but I don't feel this is the right time to commit to a child who deserves the full measure of her parents' time and energy.

I believe God has grace available to us that we cannot even fathom, and I hope to live as though I know that grace will be there for me even in my parenting. But over the past few days I have been surprised to find a certain peace with our change of heart. Neither choice- parenting while under stress or letting X go without knowing what will happen next for her- feels anything less than wrenching. I did not feel led either way despite begging for a specific direction, but that modicum of peace has meant... well, it's frankly indescribable. This doesn't mean I haven't wept daily. And it doesn't mean that I'm sure I don't need grace to cover even this decision. There's no right or wrong here, no damn balloons will pour out to show we are following the right path.

This is by far the hardest decision my husband or I have faced. It is difficult at this point to even describe all the factors we have considered. We have taken this holiday weekend and turned ourselves inside out discussing, praying and resting. My parents have taken Toby for a birthday weekend sleepover, just another way they have helped us beyond what we can ever tell them. J's parents have given us wise and compassionate counsel worth more than I can say.

I would really like divine balloons right now, but I will take this respite from guilt and worry.