Although I didn't get a job, the audition wasn't so bad.
I played 3 out of 4 first-round requirements well but was sloppy on the Mendelssohn Scherzo. It was just one of those moments where you begin, and then realize you aren't quite focused. That particular excerpt is a work of delicate precision and speed, so there simply isn't room for a wandering attention.
Walking in to the audition was like a conservatory reunion. I knew more of the violists than I didn't, which in the end was a nice thing. I knew several of the folks who did advance, and was able to wish them well even in the dark dank recesses of myself.
Now, regrets? I have been in an ugly funk since I got on the plane in Portland. While I don't believe in navigating life by feelings and inclinations, I have not felt such an urge to move back west since my second year in Japan. (Carole can testify to those phone calls...)
If I had a job out there, would I then feel I could relax about finding that crucial "in" for a career? Would it be okay to start on my career as a mom? What kind of job do I really want? Today in the produce department I was working myself into a patented Miriam-freak and J finally said, "you know you can just use my money to give big recitals or start a festival or whatever you want". And you know, it was an epiphany. He's said as much before, but this time I decided it might be true. Sort of like a kid playing lava-in-the-living room, I had myself all worked up over imaginary dangers when all I need to do is step off the sofa.
I wonder who won...