In the last page of the Wagner tonight, I had something of a personal crisis. It wasn't the blathering brass parts, the meaningless arm-breaking viola challenge rendered inaudible by the brasstastic droning on, or the climaxes made simply embarassing by amateurish repetition; it wasn't Wagner's fault at all.
It's just that I'm not entirely sure what I want.
I was playing well, but I was also thinking about the pink-shirted pediatrician I saw today, who told me Tobias is most likely teething. Or growing. Or just cranky. The guy was sweet and really liked Toby, but still I felt like a jerk for complaining. What kind of mom can I be when my kid's clinging drives me nuts in the mornings (SET ME DOWN AND JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS, BIOTCH) and that I can't handle him sleeping from 8:30 pm to 12 noon daily (IF YOU'RE TIRED OF PLACATING ME, WHY DO YOU CARE THAT I SLEEP 15 OUT OF 15.5 HOURS?). Toby yells in my head, because he is a man of strong opinions and cannot be explained by science.
If you don't have kids, the previous paragraph all about mine made your eyes glaze, I know. But the clicheed thing is, I cannot express how fundamentally the focus of my life has changed with the introduction of Toby. I want to fight for my own happiness while struggling with the knowledge that it's no longer about me. I want to be happy because it will impact him, but also because I'm selfish.
There was an article somewhere earlier this year that pissed off the feminists because it said there's a "brain drain" where American women with higher degrees are pissing it all away by raising babies. Am I a total whore for wanting to use my skills for something other than making a great life for my kid? Because a substantial, Wagnerian vocal part of me is obsessed with asking the question What do I want? lately.
In the middle of that last page, looking around the stage at the lifers (musicians with contracts), at the conductor, at the audience, all I could think about was that they all seemed more... free. And that I am ungrateful, and that I don't know what I want.