Saturday, November 11, 2006

Boobular

I had a revelation. I came home from the concert to find J on the couch watching old Star Trek- it's the alternative universe agonizer "Mirror, Mirror" episode, where Spock has a soul patch and half of Uhura's outfit is missing. I can't find a pic, but DANG. Too bad Sulu is gay, since he gets up close and personal.

Uhura (Nichelle Nichols) is so hot! She's not stick thin, but she has a total six-pack and this was the seventies. Here's her normal outfit. Va-va-VOOM!


Right? So, I think my body idols are these athletic-yet CURvy women.







Need further evidence? Well, here's my childhood idol.










And my early adulthood idol.










Though let's face it, I wanted to be Drew just as much as a kid.








...and my fully-grown-but-still-into-childish-shows idols. (Mostly Faith- I'm only putting Buffy because I want to BE like her. I want to LOOK like Faith. But they're both hot, no?)





Magical powers, other universes, great racks, what's not to covet?

Friday, November 10, 2006

Everyone's a Critic: Leila Josefowicz














Photo from www.leilajosefowicz.com

This week the symphony has violinist Leila Josefowicz playing Hindemith's ("HIN-duh-mitt's" ((are parenthetical phonetics condescending?)) ) concerto. I really didn't know much about her, except that she was a child prodigy, moved beyond that to have lived 26 years now and she has a lovely name. Leeeee-la leela, see?

Today I sat in the balcony for the Hindemith and watched her rehearse with the orchestra, curious about both the piece and her playing. One great benefit to being a sub is almost always being cut from concertos so you can lay back and listen for free (for pay, even).

I should give you a little background on my prejudices. Violists have a close relationship with Hindemith because he wrote one of our few major concertos. Our ears perk up a bit in music history class when his story gets told, there are all sorts of minutia we gladly memorize, and we imagine ourselves in possession of a very special brand of interpretive juju.

Ms. Josefowicz impressed me anyway. She played a personal, convincingly nuanced reading of the score which left me with an unexpectedly new view on Hindemith.

As I listened I realized what it was that was so different in her playing; her treatment of rhythm. Hindemith uses lots of dotted rhythms (these sound like bahhhhh ba bahhhhh ba) which folks tend to play with military precision and "dryness" because these are associated with the German classical tradition. When a string player talks about a dry sound, we generally mean there is some space between notes to accentuate rhythm where possible and the bow is pulled steadily without any swell in the sound- it's as strong at the beginning as in the middle. In a long phrase, there will be strong-weak combinations of notes built around the rhythmic structure.

So I was a little surprised when I realized how fluidly Ms. J played, how lovely and controlled and unobtrusive every bow change was, and how long and sinuous she stretched her phrases. It sounded like Hindemith in Paris, Hindemith on brie with poodles and fall in central park... but not in a non-German heretical one-trick prodigy kind of way. It still played out like legit Hindemith.

This woman has some serious bow-arm. She has changed direction and moved three notes down the road before you even realize. There is never any "Kkk" as the hair turns to rub the string the other way, nor does she ever appear to be "saving" bow. Lovely. I couldn't stop staring. Looking at her bio, I discover she plays a Guarneri del Gesu. I love the caramel latte with a little Grand Marnier and a Cuban cigar sound of Guarneris. I think Strads tend to be more Whiskey Sour with a plate of smoked caviar & jicama triangles while a Ferrari's parked outside. Nice, but not me.

I'm hungry.

She does do a few odd things. She bends herself in such a way that you think her upper body may be permanently creased as her upper back pokes toward the first violins and her clavicles strive to touch her hipbones.

Also, every famous string anybody I've come across MUST sign a union contract to make extra movements when the phrase is done and the bow leaves the string. It's the classical musician's version of jazz hands and techniques abound. There's the dramatic pointing of the bow to the balcony group, the whip it out and jut your chin forward sect, the flip your hair while bobbing emphatically contingent. It annoys all the non-violinists, and reminds me of a Meg Ryanesque orgasm (sound and fury signifying nothin'). Ms. Josefowicz should patent (Trademark? Copyright? Whatever, ask J.) hers- she does the gumby bend described above while making a distinctly jazzery face with a pinch of the hair flip and a rounded tablespoon of the faux-jowly nod. She plants her feet as though in a strong wind- I wonder if she'll heel up for the concerts...

In any case, I would go to her shows if she came to my town. That's saying a lot because I'm a lazy old cheap bird and only a handfull of players will inspire me to bother.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Creepity crawler (not a Toby post)



Isn't she pretty?
She was hanging out by our front door acting all lazy in the cool air.
She's a cross orb weaver, and most likely just finished mating and laying eggs and will soon go the way of Charlotte. My mom won't shed any tears- spiders like mom in all the wrong ways.

While I was typing this (my friend Louise says "whilst", which I wish I could say without feeling pretentious because it is a lilt of a word) the Spiderman 3 trailer came on. Spiders... spiderman... see? See??

Potpouri made from my very own brand of cheap!

There are so many ways in which I am unhip. Let's take a closer look at just one of 'em, shall we?

I have always had a thing for making Christmas gifts.

One year in high school a friend taught me to do Athabascan beading and I spent months in our basement making oddly lopsided hippy-looking earrings, necklaces and bookmark doo-dads (operative word there being 'Dad'- because not so much into earrings + can read = bookmark). Another ill-fated holiday I took some rose petals from our garden and made what I thought was completely legit potpouri until I saw it molding before my sister could even get it home. Last year I cooked up candies and chocolates, being careful to make them with ingredients I'm allergic to so I would't personally be tempted. Mean, no?

This year... I dunno, fruitcakes? As you may remember, I have a dilemna as I'm trying to stop leeeeaking money. *Most* of the people on our lists are not particularly interested in the grown-up version of "look what I made you, mommy!" and while I am learning to embrace the gift card revolution, it's hard to make it look like anything more than what it is.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Worry-wart



Autism is one of my greatest fears. It used to manifest in an appetite for reading about it, but since I went and had a baby it has become a deep-seated fear.

I still read all I can find about it. Sometimes, morbidly, I look for blogs written by parents of Autistics. I don't comment because I think that would be the ultimate self-indulgence.

Kids don't generally have symptoms for the first few years. Let that sink in. Kids are happily gazing into your eyes, enjoying play with you, laughing, reacting. The change must be wrenching, heart-breaking, horrible.

Tobias is a cool customer. He was sitting in my lap at a coffee shop today, a little tired, gazing at the lights overhead and sucking on his rock star hand (two middle fingers go in the maw). My friend says to her friend, "Can you believe how quiet he is? Can you imagine our kids just sitting in our laps like that? I hope my next one is like that."

And my first thought is not, Yeah, eat your heart out.

It's, No. No nononono.

I should be grateful, I should savor whoever Toby is. I think worry can be evil, and self-centered and obsessive. My Gramma has always called me a worry-wart, since I was tiny, and I think not only is she right, but that wart is an excellent descriptive. Ugly, sad, festery.

My mom-in-law says parent is spelled g-u-i-l-t, but w-o-r-r-y w-h-o-r-e seems just as appropriate.

ZZZzzzzzzzzz baaaa-aaaaaaa!

Toby used to laugh and (rarely) cry in his sleep. Now he babbles. Scares the crap out of me when he shouts out of nowhere through the monitor.

Last night at 2:30 he cried in my sleep.

In other words, I just turned off the monitor like a snooze-alarm, notified the authorities that I planned to neglect him and went back to dreaming I was in Marshalls finding all sorts of shoes.
We've decided he shouldn't be up then, anyway. Physiologically he's a butterball, and could live for a week off his left cheek fat alone. He wasn't in on the decision-making and is apparently unconvinced. Sleeptard.

I still woke up feeling like I've already screwed up today, though he was happy enough. We jumped into the minivan (one more day without our car... shudder!!!! I will not go gently, Chrysler) and as I was strapping him in my heel poked a hole in the floor. Just like it did a few days ago in an entirely different part of the interior. What kind of vehicle has floors that craptastic? I may be roughly twice the woman Nicole Richie is, but still, I have my pride.

I know what you're thinking, and these weren't even my transvestite dominatrix stilettos, they were classy- as classy as I get anyway, see:



And yes, fall just got rolling and I'm already that pasty. Tragically lacking any meaningful pigmentation, I've been pasty since the seventies, people. Give it up.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Shameless cry for help

I know from reading (and reading... and reading- just ask J if he ever gets to use the laptop anymore) that the average blogger is a highly resourceful person. I know from ramming my thick head repeatedly against our budget every other week that I am not.

I am soliciting advice from the internet. *responsible folks cringe here*

If the www were a road, I'd be standing next to a stop light with a sign reading, "Veteran shopper. Need help. Give pointers." By the end of the day I'd be surprised to be out ten bucks.

What makes your budget do-able? Do you have any fun?
How did you set it?
Got any change?

If I tell you...

...I'm Christian, will you click yourself away?

Okay.
But you might think these are interesting first.
They may not be what you expect.

The Nooma videos

Rhythm (it ain't Christian rock, I promise)

There are some pretty creative ideas rattling around.

And also, sorry about that guy. You know, the obnoxious preacher who walks into a bar to buy drugs and sex from a prostitute? I can't quite think of a punchline.

Monday, November 06, 2006

My own "three things"

I spent three hours in the minivan tonight doing three things:
1. waiting for a locksmith who never came (finally called another)
2. thanking God the van was unlocked so Toby didn't freeze in the rain and
3. trying to come up with some spin to make a riveting story where I look less stupid.

Still working on that last one.

GLUTTuttuttONY and waste!

We went to an open house today in a wildly expensive yet predictably bland neighborhood where the homes are all named after British cities. (Sorry, England. I don't think you're boring.)

I know, what is the matter with us? We still live with boxes (boxen!) all around and our walls are so bare as to be banned by international laws regarding sensory deprivation. We have enough student debt to endow several tenured chairs and it beats us down and ties our butts to a tight little budget with long ribbons of receipts from the discount suburban life store. And still we leave our greasy noseprints on the window of affluence and wanton expense.

DEAR STUDENTS: LOAN PAYBACK SUCKS IF YOU CAN EVEN GET A JOB. YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET DEPRESSED NOW.

ANyway.

The upside of the ridiculous house drooling (because even the expensive-bland is pretty sweet) was that the leaves here have gone berserk. Sadly, it's raining in Portland and soon they'll be so much fruity pebble debris; what a shock that is, right? Today it was still pretty and we drove around for a long while in our portable gutless living room (aka the hamster van).

We would have stayed out longer, but we had to get back for the DirectTV guys. You know how that is, how prompt they are. So they get here and notice that we have not one but TWO extravagant stories in our townhome. It's crazy unusual, right? And since we failed to notify them of the freakish nature of our home, they didn't have a ladder tall enough. Does rolling your eyes burn any calories?

That wasn't even the oddest thing about their little non-installation visit. One of them complimented my practising (Wagner pbbbbbt), then explained he studied cello at Juilliard for a while in '93.

And now he's a skinny scruffy install man who may love his job, but still! STILL! (I told you playing auditions sucks.)

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Lessons from the Randomizer

One little button, so much time. Oh thank you, thank you Lane!! (I hope you don't mind too much that I somehow read your addy as Pinkle Pants.) The randomizer is like clubbing by blog for a washed-up 30-something recent breeder like myself. With this in mind, if I found myself living as a Matrix battery, I don't think I'd be one of those to reject the program. Blue pill, blue pill!

My identity, were I (any more of) a superhero, would be THE RANDOMIZER. But really, if you have eight or nine hours and a morbid curiosity click on that thingy over there --> that says "Hit Me". I am nothing if not a student of life my dears, and here is what I have learned:

~There are a lot of sickos on the internet.
Not that kind- I mean the viral sickness incubator type. Judging by the number of posts listing often disgusting symptoms, it's a very good thing we ain't all in the same room.

~Some really do post about what they ate, (like the book says) and as long as they include pictures I'll still read every word. I would never do something like that.

~There are a ton of Portlanders. Lots and lots. Also a woman in Istanbul, a guy in Hyderabad and a woman in Africa. Hi! There are also many musicians, including at least two violists. I am but a cog in the clone army.

~I found a guy working for the Japanese Department of Education, just like I used to do. Lately I've been so nostalgic for Japan, and I can't wait to go with my men. Even a shopaphobe like J will love the dollar stores.

~Lastly, I have one small observation in regard to style. Writing without use of the shift key a la ee cummings and in long run-on paragraphs is the equivalent of baring your midriff, wearing leg-warmers and lodging large pieces of cheap jewelry in your navel. And both looks make my optical nerve curdle just a bit. I'm too old for that crap and I'd need a monitor the size of Whales to read it. Just say no.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Congratu- WHAa?

I just got an email that friends of ours from Madison had a baby boy Wednesday night. I didn't even know they were pregnant, so envisioning them with a baby is SHOCKing. (Why do we say "they" were pregnant when it's really just "she"? Annoying.) Getting news like this is the mental equivalent of the one-day pregnancy. I cannot fathom those stories about women who only realize they're pregnant when they go into labor. Sigh.

So there they are, thousands of miles away with a three day old. For me, those first few months with a tiny little eat-n-sleeper felt similar to playing under a living room blanket tent all day as a kid. All cozy and close, the outside world tended to fade. The absolute control over the perfect micro-environment yielded this addictive feeling of complete security.

And then, when the kid is just a week old, you have to take him to his check-up. In the sicko-filthsville-nastoid HOSPITAL! This is the atmosphere breaking equivalent of your mom ruthlessly ripping away your roof blanket, telling you your playmate's parents are waiting outside and it's time for you to clean the toilets.

When I rule the world, the president of the Oregon Health Sciences University will come out to meet me at each of Toby's appointments with a germ-proof bubble to escort the precious babe to the exam room. No, wait; the doc will come here. And! he'll stay to babysit for a couple hours because my child impresses him so. And!! when I come home Toby will walk to the door and say, "I love you, Mama" before showing me how much he loves to vacuum. Those vets- I mean pediatricians- really know how to bring out the best in an infant.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Aaaargh!!!!

I just tried to find myself by Googling "rad violist" and the bastards came back all "Did you mean 'rad violinist'?"
NO, I DID NOT.

Mwahahahahaha= Look, Grampa W!



It's Toby's favorite new toy!! A DOLL!!!

His favorite doll activity? Gnawing on his plastic hands. Second favorite? Hugging it while squirming for joy and biting its forhead. Third? Chewing on its little pacifier.

No wonder I keep saying we saw the vet yesterday instead of the pediatrician. Hail Cesar!

Familiar face.

I'm sure you've all been wondering what we dressed Tobias as for Halloween. Here he is on our trip to the zoo:




















...and flirting with a little girl we bumped into.














PHOTOS by J!

Thursday, November 02, 2006

How cool is that?

More reasons you should stop reading immediately and never return my emails...

In seventh grade while seated near a boy on whom I was crushing, I sneezed and plugged my nose. It's apparantly completely true that that pressure must escape from somewhere (dot dot dot).

Later that same year I was drinking something near another crush-receptor and choked so hard it sounded like the set-up scene for an episode of House. Did you know you can blush while suffocating? Y'do now.

In my first recital at Manhattan School I played a five-movement solo viola piece by Hindemith. It's dramatic, dark, intense, moody, sweaty music. When I got to the middle of the third movement I had to stop because I had forgotten to arrange my pages on the stand to see the rest of the page. Stopping in the middle of a long, unreleased solo passage would be bad enough if I had just done it quickly and kept going, but I heard myself begin to mumble. Uh... I need to set up the page and forgot to before so sorry don't hate me heh snort heh. Yeah, so, the mood- it broke. And then I began to sweat. Nothing like the scent of nervous sweat in a degree recital performed in a small hall. My poor poor teacher.

I saw Ben Harper play in Tokyo once and really liked the show. No, I mean I really liked it. And the beer I'd had. A lot. I liked it all a lot. So when he said, Thanks for coming out tonight! like the rock star he is, I shouted, No, Thank YOOOU! I thought I was being cool. After all, I had been here! I thought I was hip. Judging by the scowling faces and the admonition to "have some respect" I was just being drunk. Big shock, then, that the bouncers at the end of the show picked ALL the other groups of foreign chicks to the afterparty. Too bad- that may have yielded some interesting blog fodder content.

Just one more.
It's not really me, but it makes me chuckle because my heart is a shriveled little charred thing. Sometimes the string players will decide to set our bows in our laps during a long passage played pizzicato. It just looks prettier than all those random sticks flailing about, and we can play faster and cleaner. So in the middle of one of those sections, my poor stand partner was really having a time of it. He was a short, squat thing perched on a too-tall chair. So he would set the stick across his ample thighs, raise his hand to pluck the string, then snatch the bow just as it was about to roll off onto the floor. This happened at least ten times. It would have just been a quiet embarrassment for the dude, except that I accidentally caught the eye of my friend Tom. We were wheezing, gasping, tears streaming from there on out. I am not a mean person. Am NOT! Lucky for me, the bow roller was genuinely laughing backstage afterward.

Let's face it, if he had cried the rest of the violas would have just beaten him with our g-strings until he saw it our way.

Don't read too much into it.

Here's yesterday's page from Toby's nightly devotionals book. (We're trying to rid him of the biting habit with that old-time religion, see?) Let's discuss:

**
Go with the Flow
November 1
Some days I like to be all by myself. But like my heart, this day is God's. Will I get to do what I want to today? Maybe. But God may have other plans. So I won't clog them up. I will go with the flow!




[There's a creepy kiddy cartoon here of what appears to be a young Carrot Top carrying TWO plungers into a bathroom. It's similar to this image.]


Do you know that... you are not your own? 1 Corinthians 6:19
**


So this is why folks think Christians are full of crap, right? I mean, seriously. God's plans are analogous to a toilet? I should be writing kid's books. For Pete's sake, Madonna should be- oh, wait.

Anyway, why is it that so much devotional / bible study literature is of such poor quality? You know what I mean- the overuse of rhetorical questions, the dodging of difficult subjects by resorting to cheap emotion, the refusal to admit more than one argument, the rickety construction of reasoning- these fill Christian catalogs. Certain publishers in this genre must have a dim view of the intelligence of their audience (me).

It's not all bad. I can think of a handful I like, including the warhorses: Lewis, Yancey, Os Guinness, Zacharias, and others for deeper study. I guess I need to get into the kid-lit. It's just so hard, gentle reader, to walk through the Christian book store without becoming either irate or nauseous. And that's just the cd section. The staff are always wary of the chick wandering listlessly around muttering pseudo-swears, slapping books back into their insipid little shelves and rolling her eyes. Last time I was sure they had their fingers on the emergency "Call Pat Robertson" button under the counter.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Ready, steady... Go!

You’ve learned of our destructive pasts, our love for movie-trailer music as a soundtrack for Toby’s infancy, and our secret penchant for candy corn (we just told you that one). Now, the time has come for the revelation of another foible. I love the word foible. Reminds me of that little scientist guy on the Simpsons who says “flavel” in a strange swallowy voice all the time. And that all the names in that show are from our fair Portland because Matt Groenig grew up here.

But none of that is the foible of which I speak… write. Whatever.

I’m talking about my tendency to get all hot & bothered about something !NEW! and feeling like I have completely changed my entire life when in reality I am about to lose interest and run off in another direction, trailing the original excitement behind me in a tattered streamer of shame.

Shame streamers, they follow me.

There’s one for dobro playing, stained glass making, unpacking and decorating, breastfeeding… wait- that’s no streamer- it’s a trail of drool and bite marks. We are still all way into that one.

Ah, well. Hope springs eternal, so on to the latest !new!. It’s National Blog Post Month: the best excuse for pointing a gun at a visitor since ski masks and panty hose. See the seal over there to the right? Mrs. Kennedy made it and I really like her sense of humor (MMMMMWAHHH on her little yoga heini) so I signed up.

Every day. Even weekends. Even Thanksgiving. Even though I’m driving (one more week) a mini-van, I’ll try not to make it all about soccer.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Superpower: Destruction!


We have many nicknames for the boy. My favorite lately is Destructo, though Nibbler is equally apt.

The thing is, we have no right to call him this without first owning up, right here in front of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE to our own sordid, ruinous pasts.

Jonathan will go first. Because I'm the one typing, that's why.

He was 16. He was riding around town with friends, and they were in a boy kind of mood. One of them had a bat? I really don't know the details. Who carries a bat? Unless he's on a sports team, and he wasn't. What were they thinking? They hit the mailbox of friends of J's parents! Friends! Hahahahahaha.

I was 5. I was actually the one counting down as the little Camaro approached and then I let my arm down like a flagger in Indianapolis while RJ threw the rocks. The driver- a complete head of butt who was the jerk of the neighborhood- saw and assumed I was doing the throwing. Within minutes (minutes spent running full-tilt across our yard into the house) Mr. Dukes-of-Hazzard's evil cousin had called our parents and convened an inquisition. Spankings all around. C'mon, though. He deserved it, right. For being a jerk, for driving too fast, he was the next car around that corner. Right? We were simply the five-year-old hand of Gawd. Right?

We won't discuss the grasshopper incident of '78, or any other various events that may or may not have occurred.

How about you? Tales of destruction lurk in your past? Let it go, clear your conscience. Comments are officially.... OPEN!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Questions for eternity.

If you had recently seen some innane car commercial about them (it's "they" again!) hiding a key somewhere and if you find it you win the car, you wouldn't think twice about getting out of your car at a drive-through to pick up what turns out to be just a used gold foil chocolate box from the Lexus dealer, right?

Also if you, due to a set of circumstances that are totally sucky, were forced to drive a white (!) chrysler (!) minivan (!!) that smelled of and may indeed be powered by a herd of hamsters, that would NOT make you an instant soccer-mom, would it?

Has your husband ever been arrested?

-2.85 ounces

Dad's 80 grams (roughly 2.85 oz) lighter tonight, and if you had a group of men in a line and said, "Everyone with a prostate take a step forward", you could then say, "Not so fast, Mike."

He's doing fine. He looked like we all do after general anesthesia; like we've pulled several all-nighters while subsisting on nothing but pork rinds and PBR. He looks like an athlete even when reclining atop a bed with wheels, though.

The results from the pathology tests will be back Friday and then we can really party. For some reason when Mom was describing how they make slices of frozen sections of lymph node and examine them I couldn't stop thinking of the ginger I keep in the freezer and the way it's slicable only until it thaws.

Not sure why this is green, but I thought it was the most interesting image on google.

Dishpan hands= WHoooerdome

Surely it is moderate to say that the dishwashing for a family of five takes half an hour a day; with ten hours as a day's work, it takes, therefore, half a million able-bodied persons – mostly women to do the dishwashing of the country. And note that this is most filthy and deadening and brutalizing work; that it is a cause of anemia, nervousness, ugliness, and ill-temper; of prostitution, suicide, and insanity; of drunken husbands and degenerate children – for all of which things the community has naturally to pay.

Amen, Upton Sinclair, you commy pinko you. Amen.

...but click on over here if you might enjoy a little capitalism with your morning cup of sarcasm.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Toothsome days

Last night we watched a recently graduated dentist get a tooth tattooed on her ankle on Inked, and I sniped that within five years she'd be a little over the career honeymoon. Jonathan was way more sympathetic and argued that she probably just really likes her job. I like my job (all 10 of them) but I can't imagine tattooing a body part on another body part. Although, wouldn't it be incredibly geek funny to tattoo an arm-bone over a leg-bone? Or for a violist to get a violin? HI-larious, life of the party stuff.

Speaking of teeth, Toby has 6 1/2 too many. Today he was having a snack and something in the angle was off and I sucked in my breath and he totally CRIED. But yesterday I was all but shouting NO in my best voice of doom as he tucked into my arm, shoulder, sweater... and he just blinked at me and kept on trucking. I think he bit me or my sweater at least 5 times, and there was just about nothing I could do. He's Winning, and he still hasn't even been out as long as he was in. Guess I shouldn't have Craigslisted that wireless dog collar last month...

This morning my saintly parents came up to watch Nibbler while I went to get my face fixed. My molar, specifically, had a cavity. I know. I'm a dirty girl and a floss fake. Why is it that your face feels enormous and full of hot sand while it's actually just damp and numb? Am I drooling?


I like this because it shows that Toby is possessed and also demonstrates Simon's favorite place. I can almost hear him snoring...

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Plug the Pastor

Our pastor Rick McKinley just finished a book titled This Beautiful Mess and you can find it here. I liked his other book, Jesus in the Margins, and have heard this one's better.

Don't forget if you're curious you can also listen to him on the Imago Dei website for free.

Dear Dr. Phil-

I was that girl smiling (you may have though leering, but I was just smiling and it got stuck because you are from the TV) on the street today in front of the Heathman. Don't worry, I'm not homeless and my husband doesn't yell at me like the cretins on your show.

Anyway, what I was trying to tell you with nothing but my knowing smile (stopping you and talking just seemed too common) was that I actually used to think you were an interesting human. But of course I realize you can't say "used to" like that to somebody such as yourself without coming off as a creepy non-fan which I clearly am not. I'm a semi-past luke-warm fan who may like your wife better except she has questionable taste in clothes.

So, just thought you'd want to know I like your early work. The recent springer-esque overtones imply you are having trouble snagging guests with IQs any higher than Wisconsin temps in February, and are a bit much for my delicate sensibilities. Could you go back to making me skinnier? That'd be as cool as a redneck in the freezer aisle.

So, uh, thanks.

PS. Which room were you in, because I totally stayed in the same hotel once. Did you have the fois gras? Or have you yupped out of that one? What would Oprah do?

Friday, October 13, 2006

Title Man


Sometimes when people find out I'm into classical music they wanna know if I have a favorite composer. Because I'm a fickle-easy-shallow thing the answer changes constantly.

Right now I'm so into Janacek (YAWN-uh-check).

First of all, check out these titles:
Intimate Letters (quartet)
The Cunning Little Vixen (opera + orchestral suite)
From the House of the Dead (opera on Dostoevsky)
Glagolitic Mass (it means slavic, basically, but "glagolitic"- ahh!)

He did that classical artist thing where he was inspired for years by a woman he couldn't have. (Here she is in Wiki.) Sad that he had a wife, but still, it's romantic through the veil of elapsed time.

Plus, I get to play Cunning Little Vixen with the oregon symphony this week, and I am inhaling it. The musicians, the conductor, the repertoire, I am enjoying all of it.

There are parts that sound like Cage or Adams- I don't know the critical writing on Janacek, but to my ear he is a very melodic minimalist. The way he composes in little repetitive patches, tied up with fantastic (both in the sense of the good and the fantasia) motives gets in the ear, rattles around and improves with each addictive listening. There is such a subtle, modern aroma to his works.

And I can't even name my little posts without hemming and hawing- this man had the knack is all I'm saying.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Wish it wasn't so...

For several days I've been debating what to say about the past week here. Lots has happened. In general, I write here because I like writing and because I'm thinking of people who read it and it's a form of chatting where I'm in charge and I like to be in charge. Another thing about blogging, though, is that when I describe something I tend to believe things are the way they come out on the screen. Like they get set in some kind of internet amber.

Here's what I wrote this Saturday:
*******
What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have
done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
-Albert Pike

Simon died today having done everything he could for me all the seven years of his life. He was the sweetest thing in my life in Baltimore, hiked all over Aspen summer after summer, charmed all my students & relatives, and helped me choose Jonathan. Toby learned his name first- they had a deal where Simon would give me a guilt trip with his puppy-dog eyes if the baby cried too long and in exchange Toby would spit up near him as often as possible.

Did you ever see how he could jump through my arms? Or the one where he would wait until you gave him a signal to eat a treat off his own foot? Or where he'd sort of play dead with his tail wagging when you shot him Bang! with your finger? He rocked at those.

I can't believe it ended the way it did, and I think not putting him down sooner may just be one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. There was no way to know, but there it is.
****

So there was that.

Then the audition was Tuesday, and though I didn't win or even advance it was okay. No one really won and they only advanced 2. It was great seeing friends (Yi-ping advanced to the next round and wants to date Toby in 20 Joan Crawfordly years.), mostly. I saw a friend I've apparently been "not speaking" to. I didn't know we had anything official like that, but that's cool. She seemed well and I can honestly say I'd be happy for her getting the job. Whatev, I've got a cute baby and a hot sugar daddy.

Uhh-hmmmmmm.
So then there's also my Dad's prostate surgery was supposed to be Monday but suddenly we'll have to wait just a bit longer while the docs triple check some stuff, duplicate results, get a coffee and a doughnut, etc. Delays suck. But then no one wants a sloppy doctor, so I suppose I have to be patient. The actual patient is. Patient. That is.
******

Also, an alien gnome came in the night and afflicted all but my big plant with Slowly Withering for No Reason disease. That's right- the senseless heartbreak of SWNRD. At least indoor plants are cheap. And on that note...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Things that went well...

Moving! Except how did I end up here, surrounded by tons (literally tons) of random crap I only vaguely remember wanting badly enough to buy which I must now find the energy to arrange fetchingly around the townhome? Is "townhome" more pretentious sounding than "townhouse"? I caught that from the realtor-speak we endured lo these 4 months.

Auditioning! It really did go well, didn't it? It's funny how you prepare and prepare for five little minutes and it's hard to even quantify how it went unless you totally screw it up. But I didn't. Screw it up, that is. They liked me, they really really liked me. More than the others? Who knows, bring me my martini. I'm playing for another one of them on Thursday evening and then the REAL audition is October 10th.

The Weather! It's 15 degrees warmer than usual in these here normally drippy parts. It makes me much much less grumpy (yes it DOES, Jonathan. **Smack!** I warned you not to sass me!!). It also makes the transition to our new terrarium easier since the view out all these windows is lovely. Nice of them to put in those maples whose leaves seem to ignite.

Toby's transition to Standing Baby(tm) and Cries When Told "NO!" Baby(tm) is complete.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What have you been up to?



We're moving. And practicing. And trying to raise a non-homicidal person. Pictures are always the easiest form of blog joy.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Saving my Marriage



J hated that the exposure was off on that tram pic. I loved the pose, so I posted it anyway but his head exploded when he saw it so here's a better one. Hopefully he won't hate my guts now.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Six-Toothed Wonder





I thought of myself as incredibly clever, naming this picture "T-spoon and saucer". Aren't I a hoot?



We also put together his highchair booster seat dealy so he can learn to entertain himself while we eat. He is practicing tapping his baton on the tray to get the attention of the orchestra, which will really only happen in his first made-for TV movie: Classic- How Modern Classical Came to Dominate Pop Music back in 2007.


Portland is getting a new tram. Of course, it's practically free and will be incredibly practical for the average man on the street. We figure when he's really old- like, 30 or so- Toby will look back at this old timey picture and marvel at the simplicity of life back in the first decade of the second millenium.


That is all.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Hold me.

Should I be frightened?

Toby bites, mostly (I thought) experimentally, thoughtfully, absent-mindedly. But lately, when I shout NO BITE! (why DO we talk Tanto to children?) he pauses to consider, looking deep into my soul before... laughing. It's a short little Hum of a laugh, almost a reverse-sniff-through-the-nose laugh, like an overworked IT guy hearing a joke he's heard before.

Can an eight-month old be sadistic?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Uh... Not that I know of?

Today was sucky.

I was asked if I am pregnant. By a woman. In a group of female church leaders. Granted, 5 of the 8 women there WERE actually pregnant and I guess maybe she was being funny but I don't know her at all and I felt like I had been slapped or perhaps had farted in front of all these ladies I don't know. It made me get all hot and red.

I also went to weight watchers and paid them to learn I have gained one pound despite paying them $80 and running a 10K on Sunday. I did NOT swear aloud= some kind of Godly brownie points, damnit.

Toby was a peach all day, though. He woke up from his nap smiling and when I put him on the floor he just looked up at me and laughed. Come to think of it, he often laughs when he catches sight of me... hmmm.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Candy from a Baby

First, go here and look at the pictures.
Then, maybe look at this article if you like.

The kids are amazing looking without that craptastic shiny-waxy effect she's using. What is that, the annoying-greeting-card filter on photoshop?

Ethically, I think she's a genius. She isn't hurting them. A lollipop?! Jeez louise, if these complainers are parents they realize the tyranny of childhood results in several of these meltdowns per week if not per day. It's part of the human condition. While it would be cruel to leave them in this state for any length of time or to induce it by damaging them for real, this ain't like that. I imagine they come away with a lollipop and a six-thousand dollar pic. The parents should be the ones bawling over that fee.

Hey, she could just offer to let them play with some flowers and then yank them away...
What did you think of it?

Friday, September 08, 2006

Prayer

I am trying to figure out how to be Christ's. It used to be it was easy for me to get chatty in prayer, driving around the Baltimore beltway. Everyone prays on that thing.. Anyway, I tried the Christian Siruis channel today and SHOCK! that new safe for the whole family poorly-played-pop schlock just ain't getting me there.

~From the Imago Dei site~
The church of God is those called to be saints who call upon the name of Jesus Christ. (cf. 1 Corinthians 1:2)
{I "call upon the name" mostly when I am late, when the kid is fussing, when I'm tired and need to play a passage right before I quit, when I wanna finish a mile without wussing out. Whining at rather than calling upon.}

Prayer is essential to and inseparable from the new life brought by Jesus Christ. Without it, no one has ever placed a valid claim on the name Christian. The Bible tells us to, "Be constant in prayer." We understand this to be so fundamental that the church of God can be defined as those who "in every place call upon the name of Jesus Christ." Imago Dei desires to cultivate a great understanding of the freedom prayer offers to every believer. This comes first by understanding what God's Word teaches us about prayer, for God is himself the designer of this wonderful communion with him and the one calling us to participate in it. "Seek the Lord," God invites. And again he says, "Call upon him." (Isaiah 55:6) Gathering for prayer together is how we as a community of believers can share in this communion with God. We get to develop relationships with one another at a very authentic level as we listen in on, agree with, and are encouraged by each other's prayers.

Psalm 32:8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.

{I would so totally get away with life as a Christian in name only if it weren't for prayer. No way to fake that.

This week at Imago this lithe chick (well she was.) spontaneously walked up to the front left of the stage while we played and started dancing. I could not stop staring at her. She looked pretty natural doing it, not Napoleon Happy Hands Clubesque or anything, but it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I think I may prefer to see some one cry or writhe around (writhe, lithe, blithe). Anyway... she can dance her faith in front of hundreds of people and I can't even pray well alone in the shower.}

This isn't her. She looked way cooler, but this is generally the face of liturgical dance, right? Everyone church of a certain size seems to have one of these around Easter.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

There needs to be a movie.

from Runners World interview of Karnazes:
Three midrun hallucinations he recalls to this day: 1) Small roadside animals, during his 350-mile run last October, which were invisible to the people traveling alongside Karnazes in a car. The animals looked to Karnazes like possums, raccoons, and skunks, but only at first. "Have you ever read Maurice Sendak's children's book Where the Wild Things Are? They started morphing into little Wild Things." 2) Glowing snake eyes advancing upon him in the darkness, during his September 2000 199-mile run to Santa Cruz, which was designed as a 12-person relay but which Karnazes decided to run alone. The snake eyes turned out to be the headlights of distant cars. 3) The 19th-century gold miner he watched cross the road in front of him in the middle of the night the first time Karnazes ran the Badwater Ultramarathon. "Typical '49er. Beard, gold pan in his hand, and mumbling. He was saying--" Karnazes affects a hoarse, desperate whisper--"'water!' So I poured some from my water bottle into his gold pan and heard it sizzling on the ground, and I realized it was a hallucination." Pause. "That was a good one."

What a person such as Dean Karnazes puts on his To Do list after he finishes running 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 days:
"Okay. I want to run from California to Hawaii." Pardon? "Check this out." Karnazes gets up, walks carefully upstairs to his office, turns on the computer, and calls up a photograph of a man wearing a wet suit, atop ocean water, inside what appears to be a giant hamster wheel. "That's me," Karnazes says. "It's called a Hydro Bronc. It's inflatable. I actually caught a wave in it while running." He says he figures the run to Hawaii would take a couple of months, with a boat alongside in which he would spend the night sometimes, the way people do when they windsurf across the Atlantic. Wait. People windsurf across the Atlantic? Karnazes nods distractedly, and says, "Look, here's another device I recently came across that I think would let me do it faster," and pulls out a magazine photograph of a small person-powered hydrofoil that shoots forward when its rider jumps up and down on one end. He studies the two pictures--hydro-jumping to Hawaii, hamster-wheel running to Hawaii. He hasn't made up his mind. "I also want to climb Mount Everest, eventually, but starting in Katmandu, and not using porters or oxygen or animals to transport stuff," he says. "And this is something not that far off--I want to paddle around the Farallon Islands, on a big board, surfing style. It's about forty miles." The Farallon Islands are in the Pacific Ocean, 27 miles off the San Francisco coastline. They are inhabited only by researchers. They're known as a feeding region for white sharks. "Big ones," Karnazes says. He looks very happy. "Yeah! Lots of big sharks."

Here's the link to the article.

Must've sounded like a Jay bird...

The other day as Toby was fussing himself back to sleep I entered that not awake, not asleep but dreaming sort of state and had the oddest thought. I thought from the sound of his cry I could tell that Toby was gay. And then I had to try to show him I still loved him and everything would be okay (he was still only 7 months in the dream) even though I was sad he would have that particular challenge.

Could have beeen that one butterfly I ironed-on to his onesie when he was tiny...

No such thing.

You knew it wasn't yours.

Made for me alone as I waited, passing the time watching my sweet innocent infant son make lovely shapes in the air with his hands, it embodied richest perfection.

Placing yourself slyly between me and those in command as I asked after it you hollowly announce, "I thought it was extra."

There is no such thing as a homeless, unwanted, abandoned Grande Fat Free Latte, lady.

Meanwhile, back on the laptop...

Here's a couple places I've wasted time on the internet in the past few days. Don't worry, I'm getting lots done in the real world, too. Just today I practiced, had Starbucks, ran and messed up the kitchen. I even had time to teach Tobias how to wave, sort of. He sticks his hand in the air, mostly palm up, in the direction of things as he considers them. It counts.


Dean Karnazes is insane. Now you can join him.

Want to write a novel? I actually met a man tonight who said he's writing a sci-fi novel. Wonder if he knows about this?

I would make one of these for four total babies I know if I had an extra couple of weeknights... maybe someday soon.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I slack. I'm a slacker.

HI!
Whew, excuse the long pauses all summer around here. Time has crept away and then taken off at a gallop somewhere out of sight.

I'm getting ready for auditions. Did you remember I play the viola? I had practically forgotten. The other day I was lamenting that it was turning into September without my permission and that that meant the symphony's sub auditions were coming around. The whining went something like this: ...and they're probably already passed and that guy I'm supposed to play for probably thinks I'm a total flake and I'll never play anything good here and my thighs are too fat. Then J went and looked it up and found that there are two Real Salaried Positions up for grabs and that made my bottom lip tremble and real tears flow.

So I'm buckling down, getting with it.

Right now Ein Heldenleben (German for "sucky long nosebleed-piercing high meandering passages that shouldn't be played when others are present") is kicking my butt. Really, as a serious, credentialed classical dork I am required to appreciate the whole Strauss/Wagner compendium. Blech. Even Mahler gets on my nerves. They come out with a great moment here and there, but it's like garage-sale, thrift store music. You have to go through a lot of the same old junk to get to the rare treasure.

So, we're running the Pints to Pasta 10k because beer and spaghetti are my friends. If you have a cattle prod, could you stop by on Sunday? I'm a tad (snort) undertrained.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

the great deride

There's this one mom I know with a 20-month-old boy I had in passing (out of earshot, of course) called the Monster. I'm bad, and it will certainly come back to get me, so don't hate on me now. I saw the mom/Monster today and they were in Jekyl mode. (It's Hyde that's the scary, right?) She was smart and funny and paid attention when the boy was boisterous so he wouldn't become insufferable. His nose was cleaner this time, too.

It's so easy to look at other parents and deride like you've never derided before.

Sometimes I worry that my careful parenting is approximately 85% for show. If I knew no one could see, they wouldn't be able to tell, would I be feeding him frosting from a can, loaning him the barbeque tools for entertainment and heading off to soak in the tub with a bowl of martini, dry with extra olives?

He's not old enough for me to be petty with him, so I guess it just comes out when I get busy comparing myself with his friends' moms.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

***

My friend is having a really hard time right now. Remember that first friend I made where we had Starbucks together and the world began to revolve again for me right there at the Mall? She has two little girls and the elder is having a seriously tough time keeping it together. Her marriage is strained (I don't know him), and I don't know if there is anything to say that won't just be ridiculous.

The girl seems to me to have classic OCD. She's got some repetitive compulsions and wild sensitivity to anything she considers out of whack in her environment. When she's calm she is sweet and engaging- she's four.

Pray for her, or if you don't play that way then round up the good juju as my other friend says, whatever works for you.
***

How do you people stomach chicken? I threw out four breasts last night that had been open in the fridge for a few days and by early afternoon today I thought perhaps I was going to have to call the feds. I totally retched- and I am not a retcher. That smell- how can a smell encompass slime and just be so sweetly wrong? Seriously, you eat that? Nast.
***

I've been sewing. I made sheets for these two pack n' plays we just got off Craigslist. Why mess with a crib when he's been playard-ing it thus far? We figure we can put him in an actual bed in a few years, just skip the crib all together. No danger of falling out, no slats to get stuck between.

By the way, I am a sucker. When the chick yesterday said she was selling for a single mom I totally believed her and felt guilty for getting it for five dollars less. Retarded. Craiglist is like a garage sale, you gotta put an extra couple bucks in the price to bargain with, right? They didn't have to say yes, right? I'm not totally evil, right? Do you think she's eating beans from a can while we went to Red Robin tonight and I even had a beer while my husband held the child like a damned Rockwellian fling?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Letting your Yes mean Yes.

We can all take a lesson from the producers and creators of Snakes on a Plane. Promised... and delivered. We laughed, we hooted, we witnessed the requisite use of M**f**'n by Sammy our man. I wonder if Mr. L. Jackson is the type to be called Sammy. Unlikely.

Dude, I'm just saying, what other things might benefit from a more straightforward moniker? We thought Speed 2 should have been Bomb on a Boat, but Crap on a Stick works equally well.
The Doctor of Musical Arts degree should at the very least be subtitled Debt in a Bucket.
Craigslist = Crack that's Good for You.
My Jeep = Purrrr. Sorry, got distracted.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Moving j-wards. Again. We lied.


Here's our new place, a townhome about 10 miles south of downtown Portland. It's near a big 'ol park, surrounded by suburby neighborhoods positively filthy with sidewalks. I think it'll be great with a bratlet.

It's our way in on Portland's market- they can't keep our type out forever, right Pa?!

We are not hiring movers, despite what I said that one time involving the word "never".

Oh, man- Tobias is awake. It's only 1:20, he should be asleep until at least 3:30, if not 6. Wish us well.

Salem ho.


This isn't my image, but it gives you the idea.

There is a certain slant of the trees on the drive down to Salem, part of the trip where I start to feel particularly relaxed. My parents are just far enough away that nostalgic road-trippiness sets in. It's like that point in a workout where you're thinking louder than your body can complain, like a ripening.

Today at pretty much exactly that moment (somewhere near Brooks) there was an enormous flock of starlings over I-5. It looked like a screen-saver; "undulating" came to mind. They're a nuisance animal, but it was striking. The variety of shapes and opacities- it was a great swath of sheer black fabric.

In just the same spot on another trip I saw a funnel cloud of straw bits twist four stories over the semi's (tractor-trailors to you easties) below.

While we're chatting about my own personal Bermuda triangle, here's a picture of something magically cutilicious in a hat on a boat in Montana.

Friday, August 18, 2006

The hahaha continues.

One of the comics on Sirius radio says there is NOthing more boring than listening to somebody's dreams.

You have really strange dreams when you have to feed and/or change some one at midnight, 4am, 6am (we let him cry that one out), 7:20am, and 8am. He did go back down and is just now (9:39am) starting his day with a nice set of raspberries and Ahhhhhhhhhggghhhh's. Happy baby has returned. For good. I'm sure now that he's practically seven months old we have all our sleep disturbances behind us. Uh-HUH!

I dreamt of being pregnant again and I was in a touring orchestra but we had to solve some kind of mystery and there were only two other players on my side. It was very cloak and dagger- and I think we were in Anchorage, but it had tunnels like Paris.

I also dreamt of being on a long bike tour- like across Brazil. J had his little shorts on so I was happy.

The last few minutes of dreaming involved strange mixes of reality where I would dream that Toby was falling back asleep.

Might as well dream big, right?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Several Thinks

Lately I've been feeling boring. I think I'm boring. Boring. Boring...

You know what excites me?

Finishing the laundry. Cooking and ALSO getting the dishes done. Getting out without feeling obligated to do errands.

I'm pretty sure my blog is getting boring, too. How much can you people handle?

Anyway, that's part of what I've been thinking.

Also, I'm not sure I want to change anything just now. I mean ANYthing. I like being home with Tyrant... I mean Tobias- he's a neat little kid. Some days I wouldn't mind if he just had a pause button or perhaps a hybernate mode, but all in all i think I'll keep him.

I feel like one of those engines or electrical thingies that builds up a charge and then lets it go- I get stressed, blow up (poor J), move on. Mostly I'm chugging ahead and can call myself happy. Some days my charge is getting stuck on high and I can't believe I'll be doing the same thing tomorrow.

When I said I don't want to change anything, I mean I don't (think) I want to add working into the mix right yet, I don't (usually) feel like I can work out and also stay awake until Toby's bedtime, and I have this (impossible) desire for him to stay this age until I get him all figured out.

I am not doing any of the things that make me feel better about myself. I'm barely reading (do cookbooks and financial planning advice count?), not really excercising, almost hardly ever practicing. Some days it's vacation, others it's depressing.

I wish I had more to post on, but I still feel a little funny doing the All-Toby-All-the-Time show. So that's it.

There it is. (that's from Amadeus)

call the poh-leece

Toby is in a new phase. It involves me holding him. Or new toys. Or new things to look at. Or me watching while he explores things- but not from a standing position, he prefers I crouch nearby.

Hahaha. Kids and their phases.

I'm captive. Lucky for him he's cute. I've been calling Simon over to distract him, but the dog's no dummy.

I will try to write more later, cause there are some things I've been thinking... if I can remember them. And after I shower away the lovely aromas I'm coated in (again, thanks, Mr. T).

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Reboot

We had a great time with the family out in Kalispell. Did I mention there were close to thirty all gathered up in one place? I do believe that is the noisiest bunch of people I've ever been related to all at once.

There were two sets of five-child families, and there aren't even Mormons in the fold anymore. No wonder J's sister, mom and dad have at times appeared to have lost their inside voices and J himself has adopted the steam-roller method of debate; it's a matter of sheer exuberance and practicality. From the first night I believe Toby decided he had found the mother ship, because he flirted and squeeled and giggled with the best of them, then slept from 9pm-10:30am with only one snack at 6.

J's mom still managed to find some time for good conversations about God and what to do with Him in everyday life. I told her some of my concerns about this new church we're attending- Imago Dei. Here's the thing: we love the pastor, but have not really managed to feel much connection there yet. I'm trying to decide if it's too hip, mono-demographic (20-30's) and clique-ey for us or if it's because we have been lazy and stubborn about joining in on much.

All of it IS harder with a kid. I want to play in worship bands with J just like the good old days but the last time I checked, Toby's not ready to run the sound board without chewing on the cables while we rehearse. There are other groups to join, but we are stubborn about committing to weeknights because there are those days where we are both out of words and devoid of energy by 7pm.

I'm just being dumb, huh. We've had a busy summer and missed a bunch of sermons and suddenly we're like- hey, didn't we used to have a church? Weren't we Christians back then?

Obviously, it's a problem with our church.

Monday, August 07, 2006

How to get abducted by aliens

(Betsy should maybe skip this because it's about flying with stupid people.)

So there I was on the plane to Kalispell holding a six-month old, feeling damp from the drool and guilty for failing to buy him his own seat in which to strap a carseat (are they usable as flotation devices? Doubtful.) when the WAAAY over-chatty flight attendant flitted up and perched next to us. I could tell before she even opened her over-lipsticked maw that she was going to Tell Us Something. Turned out she didn't like my Baby Bjorn brand Tobias-carrier thingy.

I figure since he's a lap baby & I'm belted in, he's belted to me- where's the beef?

She actually, and let's just all pause to bask in the insensitive-inanity (it's a word, really) of this, started to talk about how when the plane comes crashing to a premature stop the force of my body will crush him. So I, having similarly taken leave of my senses, engage her in conversation and argue that without the straps I will crush him worse and THEN he will fly tumbling through the air toward the now smoldering nose of the plane where all those businessman bachelors will fail to catch him or save him or even point out how adorable he is while zooming by.

At this point in the (and I use the term loosely) "conversation", her colleague has come up to offer stories of ACTUAL PLANE CRASHES and what HAPPENED TO THE BABIES!!!!!!!!! Sorry, typing too hard, keys getting stuck. As in, "Well, on that United flight that went into the ocean, they rolled the kids up- not the ones with car seats mind you- they rolled them in blankets just like tootsie rolls and put them in the overhead bins because they knew they were going down. What's that? Well, some did and some didn't. My daughter never flies without me buying that ticket for her carseat."

Oh, man. I didn't cry, or swear, or throw anything to test the reflexes of the businessmen in the Baby Trajectory Zone, because I'm somebody's Mother now and it would be embarassing to get arrested. I would have loved to at least take advantage of the complimentary beer but there was a rehearsal the night we arrived. On most of the way home there was an open seat for properly securing our poor neglected endangered urchin of a baby, though none of the attendants were seen rubbing their hands together while hunching over and cackling in anticipation of scaring the crap out of me anyway. May they be cursed with ill-tempered incontinent hard of hearing passengers with Tourettes. Or snakes on their plane.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

But wait! There's more.

So he's having a touch of amnesia in regard to sleeping during the day- what we lesser beings commonly refer to as "napping".

He does this only when he can't stand it one second longer and he's in the carseat or somebody's arms, and when we have filled out the paperwork (notorized) in triplicate promising to fill him in on anything he might miss while asleep.

Today I decided I would have to help him remember this skill. So we discussed it for about an hour. Finally, I went down to the basement to load up some laundry. This wasn't rude on my part, as I could still clearly make out each and every discussion points he was making two stories up. Suddenly, there came a lull.

So what did I, proven genius parent extraordinaire, do?

I naturally assumed something grave had befallen his innocent yet very loud head, dropped the clothes and ran flailing up both sets of stairs nearly killing the dog, burst noisily into the room and demanded, "Toby?!"

He had (I know, you already know) fallen asleep. Now I have to wake him up to meet the realtor.

Shhhh, don't tell, but I think he's winning.

PS. The coaster corner came out of the ordeal relatively unscathed. All systems are go.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Worst! Parents!! Ever!!!



So the kid needs toys now, new and interesting and constantly evolving. Sometimes we get creative. He has, until tonight, gently and quietly been enraptured with coasters. Tonight, however, he devoured the corner of this one in just a few moments. Yes, that's right: he's on a high fiber, low flavor plan. At least he's not quite joined the ranks of J's fam by eating snails, dogfood and spiders... yet.



Anyway, luckily we had ordered some beer tasting samplers which came in these convenient infant-sized glasses that he might wash down his inaugural meal. Thank goodness! He was parched.

Happy Birthday, MOM!



WE LOVE YOU!!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Return to Timberline

Home of The Shining!

Today it felt very un-creepy, though, seeing as it was 103 degrees and my parents were our friendly travelling companions. It was so wierd to get up there (11,249 ft at the summit, which we were just below) and have it still be blazing hot despite little lonesome patches of snow loitering about. There were even packs of teenaged snowboarders (part of a summer camp) juxtaposed with tanned & taut Tour de France-esque bicycle racers.




I forgot Toby's hat so we had to go about draping him with a rag- we could start our own cult.

I'm still a tad grumpy and crusty and grumbled at J (helped him with his driving, even) for part of the day. We picked up a sweet find from Craigslist (backpack stroller!) in Milwaukie but it took forEVER to get there.

Tonight when we were searching the realtor sites as always, we realized we could literally get twice the house for the money in the Milwaukie area. Twice the rooms, lot sizes, square feet, charm. So now I'll have to drive around to get a feel for it. All I know of it now is a small section of raunchola strip joints on the highway nearby. I've heard the main part of town is cool, and there are two big bike trails nearby so we'll have to check it out.

Here's an illustration in the difference in what you get and I'm not kidding. On the west side we are Clampits, on the east we're Daddy Warbucks.



Friday, July 21, 2006

Honesty...

...is when your husband looks over and says,
You know, at the start of that commercial when that chick said she knows all the hot spots to hook up in town, I was not thinking what she was thinking.

This is how much of a geek we are.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Sorry....




I'm trying to regain my composure after a few weeks of too-business that just about made me insane.

I sort of lost it, and realized I had somehow (AGAIN) come to the ridiculous conclusion that if I can't do things the way I want each day, I might as well not do them at all. This meant I wasn't exercising, practicing, bible-ing, anything. Even cleaning the house had rather lost its charm.

I'm recovering. The first step- a mandate, really, given to me by a most exceptional mind- is to exercise every day. Go to the gym, use the daycare, sweat if you want, sit in the spa, just get there.

It's only been a few days. I'm still a little stubborn about the whole thing. When I know Toby's tired and he just won't go down for a nap, when he needs to be held all day, when he cries in the car, when he spits up all over himself directly after bathing, I have to remember to choose to laugh rather than swear. (I've been swearing a helluva lot, too. Damnit.)

My friend, a mom to a 9 month-old, says it wears on you that you are never really "off work". Whose job comes calling at 3 and 6am in addition to 9-9? Sometimes I really really really would like to be alone for a little while. But when the babysitters (YAY GRANDPARENTS!) arrive I want that time for me and J, too.

I wish this was a touching 6-month birthday post for the nipper, but I'm learning you just have to take what you can get. He and you all know how my heart spontaneously combusts just looking at the cheeks, two Gerber teeth, bubble-blowing drooliness.

So... technical difficulties, blah blah. We'll be back at it shortly.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Ye-es!


Here's the sculptures I was rambling about. The mystery word was "gospodor". Turns out the guy who owns the land just liked the idea of them, had the means, etc. Probably what makes them most intriguing is the fact that they're in the middle of a boring stretch of highway.

Ahhhh, like an itch getting scratched- nothing real is absent on google anymore.

And POW!

Suddenly it's been a whole week. Rachael is married! Mrs. Tim had a magazine-worthy wedding. I got to wear a dress designed by her brideship (each bridesmaid was different) and have my hair done up all curly funky wild. Her friends are such the zippy bunch. Lots of rockabilly; tattoos, pinup curls, vintage dresses and pomade.

Seattle is my kind of town. First of all there's tons of freaks, beer and coffee. Second, it's fabulously pretty. But then there's the traffic and the winter rain and the distance from babysitters who share a predominance of genetic markers with Tobias.

It's been a busy few months, good and bad melted and mixed and schmushed until it's a blur. There are friends who need prayer, and new ones making their way into our circles. Toby is charming and flirting and thoughtfully studying his way into hearts everywhere he goes.

Warning- repetitive rant ahead. He exploded out of his outfit and flooded our new car today in front of (seriously) Starbucks headquarters in Seattle. And did they have a damned changing table in their inconvenient-ass far away bathrooms for their enormous clientele of thirty-something parents??? Absolutely the hell not.

Later that day, we did indeed find a 'bucks with a changing table for which I thanked them profusely. They were the second one I have ever seen that did. Losers.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Seattling

Yesterday we drove to Seattle for a bridal shower we had today. Rachael is excited to marry Tim. Brings back memories. I enjoyed the Wedding Year of chaos and doom, but it's nice to not worry about planning such an extravaganza. There's also something so intimate about marriage when you have progressed beyond the microscope of the familial forum.

On the drive up we were treated to the clearest views of Mt. Hood, St. Helens, Baker and Rainier I have ever witnessed. The whole Cascade Range was on display, a purply-blue border framing the higher frosted beauties. You should all come visit us here in the Northwest, people.

Every time we go up I-5, on the right side near the turn-off for St. Helens there is this wierd set of three copper monuments and I'm dying of curiousity about them. I just googled random combinations of words for about an hour and can't find any images or sites about them. Damn. The sign says something about the holocaust, Mother Teresa and the cosmodors? Comondors? Osmodors?

Obviously, not much to write tonight, but there's always tomorrow.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Victoria's Secret is not my friend

... because I HATE the way they put life-sized soft porn pictures right there in the middle of the mall. I also don't really like their stuff.

But the breastfeeding community needs to get a grip: they are organizing a nationwide nurse-in in response to two stupid employee mistakes for which Victoria's Secret has officially apologized.

I wrote the organizers this, but I doubt it will matter:

Hello-
I just wanted to remind you that there already IS a law protecting both of those women; a STATE law, which is where this issue should be handled, and which is now on the books in nearly every state. Harassing business owners no matter how mistaken they may have been, is not the way to gain support for your (already legally protected) rights.

I'm a nursing mom, too, and am all about rights for breastfeeding moms. However, I was surprised and disappointed that the moms in this story would ask to occupy a dressing room to breastfeed. Why could they not feed their children in the store? In one of the stories it sounded like the manager was hassling them for that- obviously illegal and rude behavior on VS's part for which the apology was well deserved. However, I don't think breastfeeding gives a mom the right to take up a dressing room (or restaurant booth for that matter) with no intention of buying anything. Victoria's Secret is almost always in a mall, where there is likely to be a bench provided.

If this nurse-in is truly about the desire for a change in legislation, why not take it to legislators rather than to employees of an unrelated business? If it is about educating business owners about breastfeeding rights, again, that's a matter of government business- not a job for a lingerie shop.

I would have joined you if the logic behind this were clear. Please reconsider your tactics and adjust them to match your desired outcome.

Hi! My name is Miriam/Tobias.

I was getting such lovely ego stroking from those comments, I just couldn't bring myself to put up another post and watch it slither down the page into obscurity.

Tobias and I have successfully insinuated ourselves in the library Book Babies mama clique. As a matter of fact, we instigated a post-class coffee time all on our own, and amassed a large and diverse group. Most of these insurgents were new to the Hillsdale BB, two of them were even male which made us all chatty and broke the Us vs. Them spell. Plus, to a guy I am apparently an expert even when their child's older. They asked ME questions!!

I really thought this whole bitchy mom syndrome was something made up by writers without enough drama in their lives. And I think for the most part it's not entirely real deep. The problem is that I have been assuming that just because I have one thing in common with these women they would become Friendly. I forgot that these were the same people I went to high school with, lived in dorms with, flipped off on the highway (mentally, of course). Just because we are all formerly pregnant and desparate for outings doesn't mean we will bond efficently.

One of them, whom I have dubbed the Head Vampire, has created a calendar of things to do on nearly every weekday of every month. I was informed about but not let in on said schedule. She is actually the sportiest of the sporty moms and when I asked her a mommy question she all but rolled her eyes. Her kid was biting her shoulder while simultaneously pulling her hair and pinching her boob, so it didn't really bother me at the time. Whatev. She's probably peachy but I'm feeling a bit skittish lately in regard to the momfriends.

Getting in the Jeep and BBBRRRRRRRR-ing away with my radio lover is helpful, though. Twelve, 12! presets are not enough for you, oh Sirius my sweet sweetness. If only you had a baby and liked coffee dates.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Day at the Beach

His Tobiasness's first solid food? Sand!

Today was warm and beautiful. We drove to the coast and talked all day, about building friendships from scratch, mommy cliques, idiot drivers, Sirius radio (my new lover) and dream homes. Oh, and beer, oysters & sunscreen. I love the Oregon coast.

The water was still bone-hurting cold but the air was hot so we braved it for a bit. Every time I leaned down to let Toby's feet dangle in the water he retracted them indignantly and became very quiet. Please don't do that again, harlot.

He giggled, caterwalled, and crowed like he does at dinner. We were seated outside at a pub and no one seemed to mind- luckily even his Pete Townshend shrieks (one of his favorite skills) weren't given the evil eye.

I love this pic because it makes me look skinnier than I am. I'll have to tip that photographer extra...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Mnnnmmmmm

What Toby's doing right NOW!


The paper boy

Tobias has just started really digging books. Of course he makes the odd attempt to injest them solely to retain membership in his age group, but I feel certain it's a much deeper connection for him.

Here he is perusing the Portland Japanese culture paper while we were waiting for seats at a Kaiten-zushi place over on the east side. That's the kind of sushi restaurant where the food goes around on a little conveyer belt and the plates are colored according to price. The chefs stand in the middle of this and between you and them is an endless stream of yummyness. Toby appreciates the poetry of movement and was thus lost in thought as he surveyed the (future) options. In other words, he completely zoned, watching chopped fishies go by... and by... and by.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Proof

I am a ridiculous wuss.

The lump is appreciably smaller.

Plus, it turns out my Grandma (yes, the other borderline hypo) also had this when she was nursing.

So, there's this little paper cut on my right middle finger. It came from the thick aluminum-paper on the top of a bottle of wine and it's right in the fleshy part.

When will it end?

Keep Portland Wierd

That's a popular bumper sticker 'round here.

In the last day I've seen two men working hard to do just that. Each was waiting at a bus stop in nice neighborhoods on busy streets.

The first was doin' a dance, with a long flowy fabric thingy over most of his head. He appeared to be wearing both jeans and a burka-esque dealy. The dance involved lots of emu movements and his hands dangling down from flailing wrists over his head. I gave him a happy little honk.

The second had his shirt on a freshly plucked tree branch slung over his continental shoulder. I think it was a Huck Finn reference. Very PDX.

Do you think they just sat, docile, on the bus when it came? Wonder if the drivers even blinked.

Keep it up, boys.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Go Away, Lumplestiltskin

I've never really lived under a specter before. Yesterday we drove by a billboard for OHSU Cancer care and laughed uneasily, checking to see that we were each thinking what we thought we were thinking.

It's nothing, I'm sure. It's just that it's still there, I feel it all the time now because it freaks me out and it's hard to ignore. J thinks we should do whatever it takes to relieve ourselves. Screw the food allergies theory of breastfeeding. Toby could get them anyway, or he could be fine. Then again, when you're trying to tra-la-la along believing it's nothing... who wants to start in with the procedures?

For now we'll do as we're told and come back in a month, maybe ask about that new boob-specific MRI thingamabob but if you notice me catastrophizing when there are folks with actual problems, smack me quick and take away my Jeep keys. I really do not make a good patient. My grandma's the same way- she thinks and talks about her physical state obsessively, God love her. At least she has things going on for sure.

It's probably just the lawyers. They tell their Docs to hedge bets and blanket their patients in just-checkings. Dang lawyers, every one of 'em. Sexy beasts.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

jeep jeep jeep jeep jEEEp





Happy Father's Day, my hands-down hottest muffin of studliness.

You really didn't have to buy a Jeep Liberty Diesel just to show me how you feel. It does make a nice gesture, though. If you're real nice I might even show you how to program the radio.



I love this car already. It's sort of a dark bluish green, and it makes me feel pretty tall, and it purrs and hums with a big-truck sound. And it's a DEEZLE. So y'know, gas mileage. Loooove. But really, the Brrrrrrrrrrrrr of it. Especially when you pull up to order a blended coffee and it echoes back off the brick building. Sweeter than the caramel we all know and love.

This is gonna be hard to top- for a first Father's Day, we did it up right.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Pout.

So it's not anything scary! Yet. I thought the doc was going to stop after, "We think it's just a cluster of milk ducts," but no. She had to tell me to come back in a month, and list some nasty possible futures including biopsies, excisements, words ending in -oma. But mostly they think it's nothing. Damn, that was reassuring.

I can't wait to go back and get the same slightly molester-y middle aged technician, Gary, who told me he knows all about lactating boobs because of the goats he raises and milks. His favorite slogan is Our Feta's Mo Bettah! which made me smile politely despite the tiniest urge to slap him. I wanted to bolt out of there, blue goo dripping in a Gretel trail after me down the hall. Did I want him to sexualize me more? Less?

I sort of pitied the two other women I saw waiting, you know, because I can't have anything cancerous; it's Not In My Family. Running those pink-ribbon 5k's was my way of showing I cared, not joining any sisterhood crap.

It's (probably) good news. I've been stomping around all night- it clearly should have been "Silly you, you're breasts are not only cancer-free, they are the finest evidence of divine motherhood we have yet to witness. Would you like to lecture to our interns?"

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Every Kiss begins with Kay.


I got a wedding band that sparkles! SPARKles. It's for mother's day, our anniversary and for the fun fun feeling you get from impulse buying. I had a perfectly fine plain band, but always did want one with diamonds set in. Actually, they could have been glass as long as they sparkled. It has 12 stones and it was cheaper than I'da thought- about what that crib is at Target. Sorry, kid- Mommy's busy getting blingy.

A prong bent on my wedding ring. I swear I didn't know a trip to the mall jewelers would be so profitable for me. Had I known, I would have gotten out the pliers loooong ago, baby. Shiny.

You could pray for me for tomorrow. I have an ultrasound of my left boob for a lump there. Probably nothing scary, though J told me all the possible outcomes just so I could mull them over... and over... and over. Good thing I only have to think about it for one night, anyway. Maybe it's a pity ring. I'll take it.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

No worse than a papercut.

He cried for about ten minutes, warbled his new raptor song a few more and then was out. He has not been swaddled since, and barring any strange inclinations or incarcerations he probably never will. I told my friend Jen that our bedtime ritual consists of changing him, fondling a book and plopping him in bed to fall asleep and she broke up with me. We made up over spit-up stories and a little breastfeeding party in the middle of the mall.

Before you throw things at me for getting out of any real parenting by having the easiest kid in the universe, let me just say we screamed a blue streak much of the way home from Seattle last night. Nothing like a crying jag in a small car so loud and long he's still hoarse. I fed him. I cleaned him. I swore a little and at one point shifted the beleaguered Hondamobile so hard I took a little core sample out of my arm with the straw sticking out of my drink holder. Just another one of those moments I'm so glad there's no hidden camera. Too bad there's that whole omniscient God thing, but at least He's also infinitely prepared for my goofiness.

I've been a little teary lately. Simon had to go to the cardiologist (I know, it's crazy, buy what can I do- he's my dog), my house still feels un-home to me, and I haven't been working out enough to stay happy.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Swaddlers Anonymous

So if you don't hear from me for a while it may be that I have hopped in the car and driven to Nantucket to escape the Kid Who Wouldn't Sleep. He's just too big for the swaddle and he likes access to his fingers and he wouldn't stay asleep tonight after going down easy like he usually does. He was making this pathetic grunty noise while writhing like a mental case in a straight jacket, and I just couldn't do it one minute longer.

Be afraid.

***

I was transported back to junior high today. It was mostly my fault- I wore impractical shoes with a flouncy skirt to a baby Story Time at the library where everyone else got the memo to dress as Sports Mom. So there's Linda-Hamilton-Arms sitting across from me while Teensy-Gymnast and Olympic-Runner-Tracksuit-Mom struck up a conversation about the pleasures of a child who can sit up. Every single child (no kidding) was wearing Robeez shoes for kids, except Tobias who was displaying his bare foot Montanan roots.


It's all about the shoes, see. I had too much, he too little.

The sing-songy library instructor lady came over to chat with me (Pity pity pity) at least three separate times. It was bad.

I'm going back, though- Toby seemed to like it. He even shared a block with Teensy-Gymnast's little girl, handing it back and forth. That kind of genius can't be ignored. I'll have to suit up next time. I just can't decide if I want to be Spinning-Class-Butt or Sleek-Swimmer-Torso mom. Wonder if they'll go for Former-Gym-Regular-with-a-Brownie-Habit?